I am sad this morning. . . I had a dream. Isn't it funny how dreams tend to bring you down? One bad dream can ruin a whole day. Wonder if that's the plan??
Anyway, to explain. My son is going to prison. He has been incarcerated for a crime which he did not commit, but he was party to (he was the driver.) I say that not to make my son look any less guilty, because he has to pay the price for his part, but to make sure it is understood that my son has a beautiful helpful heart. And in this instance, he allowed it to take him down a long a lonely road. My rabbit trail . ..
He has been sentenced to 20 years, 8 years in prison and 12 additional on probation. The 8 years will probably be cut to around 65% if he is a model prisoner. WOW, hurts to see it in writing :(. But I am convinced he has been blessed. You see, he has chosen to live a lifestyle over the past 5 years which has led him down a lonely road of immediate gratification and a chosen life without God. Choosing to live without God doesn't necessarily mean He isn't ever in your life, but I truly believe that if you don't choose Him then the Holy Spirit cannot be there to help you in these decisions. And remember the Holy Spirit is a "helpmate", a "filter", One who is there to comfort and to strengthen when life gets tough. An internal spirit meant to keep the loneliness at bay, to help you see Jesus and His amazing sacrifice, and be the gift that He intended. My son chose not to believe, and now here we are.
Since his incarceration, he has been saved! PRAISE GOD!! He is enjoying sobriety! PRAISE GOD!! And He is recognizing this as an opportunity to change his life PRAISE YOU DEAR LORD!!!!!
All of these things are wonderful :) And God is truly GREAT! But for a mom who watched her child learn to talk, learn to walk, took care of him in his sickness and shared in his happiness, well this is the MOST DIFFICULT experience of my life. And I've had brain surgery lol!!
I have trouble going to public places where there are kids his age, where there are boys around the age of 10-12 and seeing young parents with babies. I know this is a selfish attitude, but it hurts so badly to see the what if's. Does this mean his life is over? Thankfully no. There are people who are in for life for this charge. But God and the court system saw fit to have mercy and only give him 8 years. But sadly, it doesn't stop the tears, nor the dreams. Since this happened almost 4 months ago, my dreams have been bad. I typically don't dream, if I do, I don't remember them. But lately I remember every one. . . Last night's dream I watched my 10-12 year old son be dragged away in chains. He wasn't screaming nor crying, but just looking at me with those sad eyes which break a moma's heart. I woke up crying.
Why do I share this? Well I believe we all have our own moments of anguish and despair. It is truly in these moments that we can reach up to Jesus and ask for His precious healing. He can wipe away the tears and replace them with a smile. Just as I would have done for my little boy.
A beautiful blessing will come out of this, I just know it.
Thank you Lord, You are my provider,
Your Daughter
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